My personal experience has elements of domestic abuse that I learned so much from.
In addition my credentials in learning and development and experience with life coaching clients over the past 10 years have brought me to the conclusion that we are focused on the surface sensationalized issues in this case, not the root cause.
If we don't identify and solve the correct issue, nothing changes.
In my (not so humble) opinion, the Ray Rice/NFL conversation is really about:
1) Personal management
3) Brand Management
Personal management is the basis of all of the choices we make. So when Ray Rice got into the elevator, got slapped and reacted with a slap/punch to his fiancee (now wife) - that was a life altering millisecond.
Personal management happens in that critical time lapse between when a stimulus happens to us and the moment our brain and body coordinate a response. This gap is basis upon which we live our lives.
We make decisions that either empower or destroy us - one millisecond at a time. So the goal is always to become better at managing the millisecond. And hopefully making decisions in those moments that are aligned with our core beliefs.
Let's pause and rewind to Jay-Z in an elevator and a worse attack, but with a different response in that millisecond. In retrospect, I think he deserves more credit than he got for displaying so much restraint in that situation. Whether he was guilty of whatever Solange was accusing him off or not – his decision and restraint to not strike back requires tremendous personal management.
Life coaching in essence is the practice of helping people to manage critical milliseconds differently over a sustained period of time in an attempt to get different results.
It is the answer to Einstein's declaration that "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". The challenge is that humans are creatures of habit. Therefore we are prewired to do the same thing over and over again.
So how do you become able to make a different choice with a different behavior and eventually get different results?
That takes work. Sometimes it takes counseling. And in my experience with clients who were willing to do the work, it often requires hands on life coaching.
Ironically, the process is very much like how athletes train their bodies for peak performance. You need:
- one-on-one coaching from an expert in your corner
- exercises/opportunities to build the new muscle
- real-time feedback on areas you need to improve
- encouragement to know when you have done a good job
Using a framework I developed we were able to answer the question "what am I pretending not to know?". Those answers lead us to determine that indulging in pornography from a very early age had tainted his subconscious view of women. Unknowingly he was demonstrating disrespect for the women he was truly attracted to.
He attempted to control even the smallest decisions like when and where they hung out and he made jokes that minimized the impact of domestic abuse. Although he never hit any of them, over time these women realized that they did not feel safe or respected with him and ended the relationship.
Once we were able to identify and interpret these behaviors, he was then able to make new choices about the words he used and decisions he made in relationships. More importantly he realized how damaging these messages were to his teenage daughter. Over time he could have inadvertently taught her to accept emotional abuse when she became a woman.
Which brings me to the second key element of this conversation which is self-esteem. But I
I'll save that for my next blog....
Allison Manswell holds an MBA in leadership and the ASTD (now ATD) credential as a CPLP Certified Professional in Learning and Performance. She has worked with Fortune 100 companies for the past 18 years as a subject matter expert and leader in learning and development. She is an author and life coach who helps individuals and executives achieve breakthrough results. Learn more about her at www.AllisonManswell.com